Some Ways to Get a Closed-Off Person to Open Up

You’ve heard it said many times that communication is crucial for good relationships. Few people would disagree that open, honest communication is important—but that doesn’t mean everyone is willing or able to talk effectively.

So what happens when your friend or love isn’t open and you’re having trouble coaxing the words out? Try these strategies:
1. If this person is a clam, don’t be a crowbar. In other words, prying someone open usually doesn’t work. It will get you nowhere to demand, plead, or threaten. A gentler approach will get you much further.
2. Realize that for many people, being open is scary. Closed-off people are convinced that being vulnerable invites judgment or rejection.
3. Create a safe environment. Getting someone to open up has everything to do with that person feeling safe and secure.
4. Understand that some closed-off people have hidden wounds. A difficult upbringing or past romantic disasters may have contributed to the fear of being open.
5. Recognize that everyone is wired differently. Each person falls somewhere on the continuum of extrovert and introvert, guarded and transparent. This doesn’t mean that someone naturally closed off can’t learn to open up—but it helps for you to understand that person’s basic temperament.
6. Be an ally, not an adversary. It can be frustrating when someone you love refuses to open up to you. Don’t let frustration become another barrier.
7. Express what openness means to you. Say something like, “Our relationship is so important to me. I want to us to have the closest relationship possible.”
8. Take time for togetherness. Many people need time—lots of it—to feel the freedom to open up.
9. Know that nagging will get you nowhere. When we see someone we love struggling to open up, we want to help—and that desire to help can sometimes cause us to nag and nudge. Doing so will only leave you both frustrated.
10. Set the tone. Make sure the context and conditions are right for open communication.
11. Emphasize empathy. Convey to this person that you “get” what he’s saying and you identify with his feelings.
12. Be a “role model.” Verbalize your own thoughts and feelings, and then allow plenty of space for them to do the same.
13. Accentuate affirmation. Any time he or she makes the effort to be transparent with you, make sure you convey how much you appreciate it.
14. Meet halfway. It’s not realistic or fair to expect anyone to immediately move from closed to totally open. Be satisfied with small steps forward.
15. Employ all of your listening skills. No one is going to be open with you unless he knows he has your full and undivided attention.

Women on Dating Apps Want Love, Not Hookups

She might be seeking something more serious than you think, a new survey finds

Dating apps like Tinder are supposed to make meeting women—and getting laid—easier than ever, but according to a new survey, there’s a good chance your match might be looking for love instead of lust.
To get to the bottom of how technology has really shaped our sex lives, Clue—a health app for women—teamed up with the sex researchers at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute. The duo surveyed 140,000 people (96 percent of whom were women) in 198 countries about how apps and other forms of tech have impacted their sex lives, health, and relationships.
The researchers found that 34 percent of Americans have used apps to find sexual or romantic partners—but casual hookups aren’t the only type of relationship women are seeking. Of all the people surveyed, 15 percent reported using apps to find a partner, compared to only 10 percent looking for one-night stands.
When you break the results down to just American respondents, 36 percent of people said they were looking for either a short or long term relationship, 11 percent were cool with one-night stands, and 9 percent wanted to find regular sex with no romantic connection.
The least desired relationship? Friends with benefits.
Ironically, men are much more likely to use dating apps to improve their sexual relationships, the survey found.
Now, clearly some women are looking for casual sex when they’re swiping right. It’s up to you to find out if she wants something more. Bottom line? Don’t immediately expect sex on the first date because you met through an app.
That’s assuming you land a date in the first place. Can’t seem to score a one-on-one? Here’s why she’s not messaging you back on Tinder—and what you can do about it.

Want to Be Happier? Take Your Clothes Off

Science says nudity could make you feel better about your body and your life

Ever let it all hang out on a nude beach? There’s a reason those people are all smiles: Being naked around other people might make you happier, according to a new study from Goldsmiths, University of London.
Researchers surveyed 849 people, and found that those who had spent time in the nude outdoors or with other people—sorry, your girlfriend or family doesn’t count—reported they were happier, felt better about their bodies, and had higher self-esteem than those who didn’t shed their clothes.
Then they did two more experiments, but this time they talked to people before and after they participated in an actual nudist event. The results were similar: Study participants reported improvements on those same wellbeing measures afterwards.
“What we found was a very good correlation, that generally, if you did these activities, the longer you did them and the more frequently you did them, the happier you were about all of these things,” explains study author Keon West, Ph.D., in a video produced by the university.
What’s more, seeing other people naked predicted a more positive body image than being seen naked by others, the study authors wrote. And no, it’s not because you get to stare at a bunch of butts.
According to one participant, seeing other people with “normal, not perfect” bodies helped ease the insecurities they felt toward their own.
So while more research needs to be done to confirm exactly why nudity could make us happier, the findings have the potential to help those with body image problems in the future, West explains.

7 Ridiculously Simple Things You Can Do to Make Your Partner Happy

These actions may seem small, but she appreciates them the most

Whether you just started dating or she doesn’t flinch when you fart anymore, chances are the moments that make you appreciate your relationship aren’t grand romantic gestures.
It’s the little moments in a relationship that mean the most, says Jennifer Freed, Ph.D., a relationship and family therapist.
For ideas, we turned to seven women who are happy in their long-term relationships. Here’s the number one thing their partners do to make them swoon. 
LEAVE HER NOTES
“My husband and I have been married for more than five years and dated for six years before that. You would think that our relationship would get boring by now, but he reminds me he loves me by writing love notes and putting them in my lunch bag each day. I usually make my lunch before going to bed and somehow he always sneaks it in.” —Denise W., 38
MAKE HER LAUGH
“I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, and I still get a good laugh from the videos he sends me of himself via Snapchat. And it’s not even like he’s trying to make me laugh. I just love him so much that I crack up out of adoration.” —Kelly W., 26
MAKE OUT WITH HER
“We have been married for 10 years and every night our bedtime ritual is to make out like we’re teenagers. We’ve done this on nights when we were incredibly tired and when we were mad at each other. It’s the best. It’s a good reminder of how amazing our relationship is.” —Wendy D., 36
LISTEN TO HER
“When something is bothering me, my boyfriend never fails to give me his full attention. He puts his cellphone down and actively listens to me speak. That shows me how much he cares about me.” —Jackie G., 31
GIVE HER PERSONAL SPACE
“My boyfriend and I just started living together after a year of dating. It’s hard to go from living alone to living with another person, especially since our new apartment is tiny. When I just need some space, I never have to ask for it. He always senses it and goes out for a walk. I know that living together will just keep getting easier.” —Connie S., 27
LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT DOWN
“My boyfriend lives with three guys and reminds them to keep the toilet seat down when I’m over. It makes me laugh because I never asked him to do that, but he just goes above and beyond to make me feel comfortable.” —Erin A., 25
CALL HER MOM
“My husband calls my mom every week. He has such a good relationship with her and always calls to check up because she’s older and lives alone. It reminds me how much of a caring person he is.” —Hilary W., 37

The 5 Best First Date Tips

One type of restaurant could increase your chances of seeing her again by 170 percent

If there’s a scientific formula for a successful first date, this is it: Researchers surveyed more than 2,000 people about what happened on their first dates—and whether those dates led to something more—for Match.com’s annual Singles in America report.
It turns out that certain locations, conversation topics, and even types of cuisine can significantly impact how well your date goes. Work one, two, or all five of these factors into your next first date.
FIND HER ON THE INTERNET
Couples who meet online are 78 percent more likely to make it to date two than people who come together through mutual friends, the study finds.
That’s because most people who use online dating tend to be serious about finding a partner, says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., chief scientific advisor for Match and author of Anatomy of Love. It takes effort to use most dating sites, so users are invested in making it pay off.
STICK TO DINNER
Taking her to a restaurant may seem unimaginative, but it doubles your odds of seeing her again compared to a more creative outing like a hike or a museum.
Dinner is ideal for a first date because it helps you get to know each other, says Fisher. You’re focused on the conversation, rather than an activity.
“By sitting opposite them, making eye contact, listening to their voice, seeing how they smile, seeing how they listen to you, you can really find out who the person is,” says Fisher.
BETTER YET, MAKE IT A SUSHI PLACE
People who go to sushi restaurants are 170 percent more likely to get second dates than people who have American cuisine, the study finds.
The researchers were stunned at how strong the connection was, so they did some digging for possible explanations in the food itself.
“Fatty fish like tuna and salmon contain omega-3s, which ups circulation and alertness,” Fisher says. “Seaweed has iodine, which can trigger testosterone and sex drive. And wasabi increases your heart rate and can make you flush.”
These physiological changes could make both of you feel more excited during the date.
Another possible reason: People tend to share sushi, rather than just eating off their own plates. That promotes bonding, she says.
TALK ABOUT TRUMP
You’d think that debating politics with someone you barely know would make for a disaster, but it actually boosts your chances for a second date by 91 percent.
It doesn’t even matter what your opinion is—as long as you have one and can express it respectfully, says Fisher.
Being able to discuss a contentious issue with a level head proves that you’re kind, tolerant, flexible, and empathetic—all qualities that are pure gold to a potential partner, she says. You can also try these Best Questions to Ask On a First Date.
DON’T LINGER TOO LONG
Your odds for a second date start to dwindle if the outing lasts for more than 2 hours and 15 minutes, according to the Match data. It could be that talking to anyone for that long gets tedious, says Fisher.
So part ways before she’s exhausted. Plan a date that includes dinner and one nightcap. But then politely ask her if you can call her a cab or walk her home.

8 Women Reveal the Absolute Worst Ways Men Have Tried to Hit On Them

These are the deal-breakers you need to avoid

When you see someone new that you’re into, you have to approach them somehow. And, of course, it can be kind of nerve-wracking.
Most people aren’t receptive to pickup lines (unless, of course, they’re clearly a joke) and there’s no guarantee that what’s worked for you in the past will fly in the future. No one’s saying it’s easy, but sometimes a simple “hi” or “Can I buy you a drink?” can get you pretty far.
If you’re really interested in someone, it makes sense that you wouldn’t want to screw things up—and one Reddit user is helping you out with the question, “Women of Reddit, what was the worst thing a man has ever told you in an attempt to hit on/flirt with you?” The answers are amazing in the sense that they are jaw-dropping.
Sure, it's super unlikely you would ever say something this lame, but just in case, here are a few things you should definitely keep out of your pickup game.
DEAL BREAKER #1: BEING SUPER AGGRESSIVE
“Asked a bartender I work with that question a few years back. She had a kid and was single, and a guy asked her if he could ‘eat her out while rubbing Shea butter over her stretch marks.’ So probably that.” —elephant_on_parade
DEAL BREAKER #2: GIVING A BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT
“A guy told me he was done going out with attractive women and now just wanted to date someone nice instead. Thanks buddy.” —thegirlwholikescats
DEAL BREAKER #3: STRAIGHT-UP LYING
“I had a guy tell me he worked for the county CIA. Pretty sure that's not a thing.” —Ames0805
DEAL BREAKER #4: GETTING WAY AHEAD OF YOURSELF
"’I've never f—ed a redhead before.’ -guy who did not f—k me.” —CarWashRedhead
DEAL BREAKER #5: REFERENCING DATE RAPE
“I was at a bar with one of my friends and the guy sitting next to me taps me on the shoulder and says that the bartender accidentally gave him an extra drink and he wanted to know if I wanted it. I told him no thanks, I have a drink. He told me he didn't want to waste his money since he was charged for it so I told him to give it to one of his friends next to him. He then laughed and said ‘Why won't you take it? Its not like I'm gonna rape you or anything, I promise its not roofied.’ We left quickly.” —bottle_rockets
DEAL BREAKER #6: PHYSICALLY INCAPACITATING HER
“He stole the crutches I needed due to a dislocated kneecap and told me ‘well you can't run away from me now.’" —firestick_and_dick
DEAL BREAKER #7: FLAT-OUT INSULTING HER
"If it weren't for your belly you'd be smokin' hot!" —BeckyDaTechie
DEAL BREAKER #8: BEING A TOTAL CREEP
“Upon finding out that I can't drink because of a medical issue, a guy told me: ‘It must be hard for a guy to flirt with you considering he can't get you drunk and stupid.’ Thanks?” —SalemScout

9 Women Reveal the Worst Things Guys Have Done On First Dates

It’s safe to assume they didn’t get a second

There are plenty of ways to ace the first date: You feel the chemistry immediately. You both love the food at dinner. She compliments your jacket. You make her laugh. Better yet, she makes you laugh. You end the night with a kiss if you’re lucky—and a second date if you’re really lucky.
But one third of Americans don’t enjoy going on first dates, according a recent EliteSingles survey. Of the two thirds of people who do enjoy it, more than 80 percent don’t know what to talk about and about 1 in 5 feel super nervous beforehand. That’s because there are so many ways a first date can just go horribly, horribly wrong: You show up late. The conversation gets awkward. Your card gets declined. You go in for the kiss and she shakes your hand instead.
Or, you could suffer through one of the following scenarios.
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #1: PLAY VIDEO GAMES
“He took me back to his apartment after dinner... to watch him play FIFA. He genuinely thought he was a godsend at FIFA. I texted my friend to have her call me with an ‘S.O.S. You have to come quick!’ scenario. I feel like this is a general consensus amongst most women: Your ‘talent’ at video games does not make us want to become intimate with you. It probably just reminds us of our brothers.” —Brielle, 22
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #2: OUTWARDLY DISRESPECT WOMEN
“A Rihanna song comes on and my date said: ‘Getting beaten up by Chris Brown was the best thing to ever happen to her career.’ Mind you, I oversee a domestic violence shelter.” —Heather, 27
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #3: PRESSURE HER TO DRINK
“I got coffee with a dude who kept insisting we go back to one of our houses and get me inebriated somehow. Not him, just me—either weed or alcohol, and he wasn’t even subtle about it. He kept asking every 10 minutes if I wanted to go back to my/his place and ‘try some vodka gummy bears or smoke a bowl,’ but he made it very clear that he didn’t plan on getting intoxicated.” —Jenna, 23
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #4: INVITE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND
“First off, he didn’t tell me it was a date. I legitimately thought we were just hanging out and playing Scrabble because he asked me to via Twitter. Then he invited his ex-girlfriend to hang out with us, which I later found out was his way of showing her he had moved on. I felt used.” —Dylan, 23
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #5: INVITE YOUR FRIENDS
“We were supposed to go to a movie on a Friday night. He said his friends kind of wanted to go and asked if any of mine would want to join. It was already Friday night so my friends had plans. He asked if I still wanted to go, so I said sure. I figured he meant just the two of us and he would leave his two other guy friends at home. I figured wrong, and me and him sat in between the two of them for the duration of the movie. It was the worst. Never went out again.” —Maddie, 23
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #6: LEAD WITH A SUPERFICIAL QUESTION
“One time I went on a blind date and the first thing the guy said to me was ‘Is that your real hair color?’ I had been dyeing my hair a dark red for a few months and he actually mentioned something about it… like how do you respond to that?” —Alexis, 22
Try asking her these questions instead.
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #7: FORGET YOUR MANNERS
“The worst thing a guy has done on a first date is blow his nose at the dinner table. 1) How rude! 2) Now my burrito is ruined because of your snot.” —Lauren, 23
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #8: PICK THE MOVIE WITHOUT ASKING HER
“After dinner, he took me back to his apartment and queued up ‘Machine Gun Preacher’ on Netflix—kind of a jarring movie for a first date.” —Jessica, 24
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #9: KILL THE CONVERSATION
“I once met up with a guy from OkCupid for coffee, and rather than engage in the usual getting-to-know-you chit-chat, he avoided eye contact and kept commenting on people at other tables with snarky remarks about their appearance or topics of conversation. Hearing how judgmental he was within 10 minutes of meeting him was a major turn-off, and I was happy to get out of there when my mug was empty. I’ve been on lots of Internet dates and usually enjoy the conversation, even if I’m not attracted to the guy, but this was the first time I counted down the minutes until it was over.” —Leah, 27

5 Ways to Satisfy Any Woman

I was having a conversation with a guy the other day—and although this conversation may have taken place over copious amounts of beer, it was a very intriguing one, and I remember it clearly.I was having a conversation with a guy the other day—and although this conversation may have taken place over copious amounts of beer, it was a very intriguing one, and I remember it clearly. Can’t say much more for the rest of that day/evening. 

This guy confessed that he had a rule in the bedroom: “The girl has to come first.” While I was at first charmed by his need to please a woman and put her needs before his own, I was also nervous at the thought of being the girl under that rule! The whole “who comes first” situation is a tricky one.
Take scenario A for example: You're nearing the peak and hoping your lady is at the same point. Pressure her to get there with you, and you run the risk of taking the pleasure out of it for her. Here’s a secret: That pressure to cum on cue is a big reason why women fake it.
Or scenario B: What guy wants to burst his joy too soon? This has been thought to be one of the worst things that can happen to a man in the moment.
After all, don’t women want to be pleased every time? Haven’t you been guided through many articles about the importance of pleasing her to first?
I’m guessing that for some guys, this leads to relentless worry of climaxing too soon—ahead of your lady, with images of her turning her head unsatisfied after you’ve finished.
While I can’t put myself in your shoes in that situation, I can tell you how I see it. And it might surprise you—or at least give you some relief. (Ahem.)
1. As expected—and cheesy as it may sound—we women like the experience of sex. We like the intimacy. We love to feel your body against ours. We love to feel like you want to explore and enjoy every inch of us. We love to feel completely desired. I am telling you that this alone fulfills a need for us that may be difficult to express. (#) We want to know that you want to take the time to make out with us and to partake in foreplay. Foreplay doesn’t have to equal an orgasm though!
2. If you pressure me, I will probably just fake it because I don’t want to deflate your ego. Honestly. Sometimes we just can’t get there, ya know? Just the same as you, right? (##) Hey, it depends on the day, what happened at work, where I am hormonally, and how sexy I am feeling. Adding the pressure—the pre-determined rule that she must come first—completely breaks the mood and, most times, any chance of me having the mind blowing orgasm you had hoped for.
3. Take it as it happens. So what if you blow your love joy super quick—find a way to redeem yourself. You shouldn’t be approaching sex with the anticipated notion that both parties are going to orgasm. Yes, in a perfect world, that would happen. But frankly, it just doesn’t. You know in the movies when the couple climax at the same time in unison and complete satisfaction? That’s bullshit. I mean this genuinely: Just enjoy the moments. Make her feel wanted, and give her the intimacy she craves. There can be genuine satisfaction in knowing that you have lost control over her. (###)
4. If you want a girl to climax, make it about her. We like to feel special, so surprise us after work with a massive makeout session and some serious oral action. Don’t make it clearly about wanting to please her—just please her and keep your boy out of it. When it comes to sex, saying things doesn’t always help—doing things does. So when you say, “I am going to make you orgasm,” you’re not helping yourself—or us. Although we appreciate your tenacity and determination, you should probably just make us climax—and not give us the play-by-play. (####)
5. Give her what she needs. I am not an extreme cuddler, but I can appreciate the brief, genuine cuddle session after loads have been blown (or not blown). Don't jump out of bed to air your unit in front of the air conditioner, (#####) and run off to play video games. Clean up and settle in for a second. That is what she needs. She needs you to give her that little bit of time without your joystick jabbing her in the crotch, even if just for a very brief moment. Hey! This could also be the perfect time to talk to her and get to know what makes her tick! Communication is hot. Your end game is to make her feel amazing, right?(######)
From the Peanut Gallery
#—OK, that’s great to hear. But to be clear, misguided or not, plenty of us guys are just overcorrecting for all the cavemen out there who take the “slam, bam, thank you ma’am” approach that so many women complain about! (And believe us, lots of women complain!)
##—What?
###—Duly noted.
####—In other words: “Shut up and get to work, boy!”
#####—Good lord, Kate, what kind of freaks have you been dating?
######—That makes at least two really good points in one blog post, Kate! A record!

What Women Really Think About Threesomes, Dirty Talk, and Anal

Plus: How to make some of your fantasies come true!

We all have personal preferences in the bedroom, some very common and others illegal in Texas. Still, we all deserve for some of our desires to become reality.
How do you make it happen?
The best way: Talk to your girlfriend or wife well before you attempt the act.
Here’s what most women think about 10 of your top sexual fantasies.
1. YOU WANT A THREESOME
She thinks: “Of course you do. Keep dreaming.”
Despite what you saw in Saturday Night Beaver, most girls don’t want to enter this territory. Granted, we can appreciate the female form.
And we’re not horrified at the thought of being in the same room with another naked woman. But what if we asked you to be with another guy? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
The thing is, we’d always wonder whose company you were enjoying more. We might not admit it, but it’d cause some insecurity on our part. Get this out of your system before you enter a committed relationship, okay?
2. YOU WANT HER TO DRESS UP
She thinks: “Ooo, in what?”
Ask me to put on a squirrel costume and I might crush your nuts. Hey, some people are into that stuff!
If the costume has to be rented from hotmascots.com, it’s probably a no-go. It takes courage to dress up (some of us are not thrilled with our bodies) but we want to feel sexy for you.
As long as we feel good in it, or you make us feel good in it, there won’t be a problem here.
3. YOU WANT HER TO GO DOWN ON YOU
She thinks: “What else is new?”
Some girls really enjoy giving oral. If your girlfriend doesn’t, it may be that she’s not comfortable or confident with her technique.
Make her comfortable—and not by grabbing her head. Reassure her, tell her she does it the best, and guide her if you want something different.
Also, I believe it was Jesus who said give and ye shall receive. So give, often and well. Ye shall receive.
4. YOU WANT ANAL SEX
She thinks: “Ouch!” (and clenches her butt cheeks)
Listen fellahs, this is a gift. If you want it, you have to earn it. This will likely be more “thrilling” for you than her.
Hey, some girls are good to go, and enjoy it. Others, well, want some time to ease into that stage of a relationship. You know, the stage when she may drop a turd on your bed and you’ll love her anyway. Yeah, that stage.
Anal isn’t for the feint of heart, especially if you've had Mexican for dinner. Before you go there, watch The Truth about Anal Sex.
5. YOU WANT TO FINISH IN A STRANGE PLACE
She thinks: “Um, what? Why?”
Hey, it’s cool if you’re into that sort of thing.
The rule here is simple: Ask permission before you do it.
6. YOU WANT TO WATCH HER MASTURBATE
She thinks: “Awkward!”
Sorry, guys, but this is something we’re used to doing on our own, and in our own way. Though we understand why you’d enjoy watching, it can be super-awkward for us.
Your best bet: While you’re pleasing her, grab her hand and encourage her to show you what she likes. And definitely tell her how amazing she looks doing it.
7. YOU WANT TO TALK DIRTY
She thinks: “You go first.”
Use common sense here, guys. Ease in, and take it from there. Tell her how gorgeous and sexy she is. She’ll follow your lead and probably get into it.
8. YOU WANT TO DO IT IN A NEW, POSSIBLY DANGEROUS SPOT
She thinks: “Adventurous!”
But let it happen spontaneously. That is the fun of it. If you plan for it, the thrill is gone. In fact, she may get cold feet if she has too long to think about it. Keep her on her toes!
And try not to get arrested. Jail-cell sex isn’t nearly as hot.
9. YOU WANT TO WATCH PORN TOGETHER
She thinks: “Sure!”
She may not want to admit it, but some girls are just as turned on by porn as you are. Not the college-girl show-me-your-titties kind, but the grownup kind.
We understand that you’re going to watch it anyway, and it’d be more fun to watch with you and reap the benefits!
10. YOU WANT TO MAKE PORN TOGETHER
She thinks: “Can I trust you?”
It’s not posing that puts us off. It’s the prospect of showing up on YouPorn—or, frankly, your buddy’s iPhone.
Bottom line: This takes loads of trust. No matter how in love we are at the time, we know that not all love lasts forever. But pictures and videos sure do!

The First Thing You Must Do in Bed

Check this off and it'll make the rest of your romp better

Generosity for the win: Focusing on what she craves in the sack also increases your arousal, says research in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.
Researchers studied “sexual communal strength”—the willingness to meet a partner’s sexual needs—in long-term couples. Both parties filled out daily sex surveys for 3 weeks. Four months later, generous lovers  reported higher levels of daily arousal AND more desire for their partner than the less-generous couples.
"There's a lot of research out there that suggests giving to others is good for the self," says lead study author Amy Muise, Ph.D., of the University of Toronto, and that effect is even stronger with a romantic partner. Plus, Muise says, knowing you can satisfy your partner's needs is a major confidence booster.
But zeroing in on her desires at the exclusion of your own won't deliver the same outcome, says Muise. The solution: Aim for compromise. If you usually perform oral sex on her because she loves to incorporate it into foreplay, see if she's up for something you want, like shower sex or a morning quickie before work. That way you'll both feel accounted for, Muise says.

30 Ways to Have More Sex

Add some va-va-voom to your bedroom

MAKE SEX A FIVE-LEVEL ADVENTURE
Why It’ll Work: You have a lot of tricks at your disposal when you slip between the sheets. Why not use them all?
According to a study of 3,990 people at the University of Indiana, when couples performed four different sex acts—including different types of foreplay and vaginal penetration—the woman reached orgasm 76 percent of the time.
With five acts, she reached orgasm 89 percent of the time.
Here’s the best part: Both oral and manual stimulation on the guy count as separate sex acts. Return the favor, and you’re already two-thirds of the way there.
STOCK UP YOUR WINE COLLECTION
Why It’ll Work: You probably know that a glass or two of red wine with dinner each night is good for your heart. A study in Italy (where else?) found that it can also spice up your sex life.
The researchers found that women who drank two glasses of red wine each day wanted sex more frequently and experienced better natural lubrication during sex than women who drank less often. The scientists believe the polyphenols in wine may help improve blood flow down below.
ACT LESS LIKE RICHARD BRANSON, MORE LIKE TOM BRADY
Why It’ll Work: Sure, sometimes it seems like rich guys get all the babes. In reality, most women only size up your financial situation when she’s ready to commit to a long-term relationship, according to a University of New Mexico study.
(Even then, she’s probably not looking for a billionaire, just a man with his act together).
Prior to that point, women in the mood for a casual fling judge men on impressive physical features, such as height and broad shoulders. You can boost your deltoids with this smart shoulder workout.
And while you can’t change your height, a study in the journal Evolutionary Psychology found that photos of men with their chin tilted slightly up were deemed more attractive by women, because it gives the illusion of looking up at a taller face.
Improve your posture, flexibility, and strength with this 21-Day Power Yoga Transformation challenge. No yogi required!
TAKE AN IMPROV COMEDY CLASS
Why It’ll Work: Conan O’Brien dated Lisa Kudrow. Norm MacDonald dated Elle Macpherson.
See a pattern?
A study in France found that when a guy approaches a woman after joking with his friends, he can get her number 43 percent of the time.
Guys who simply laugh at their friends’ jokes before asking a girl out, however, are only successful 15 percent of the time.
Improv classes—which are widely available in both big and small cities—can both help fine tune your funny bone and teach you how to think faster on your feet.
SET UP A GUYS' WEEKEND FOR YOU, GIRLS’ WEEKEND FOR HER
Why It’ll Work: A little time apart can be just the thing to heat up your flagging sex life. In a study at the University of Texas, researchers found that just before women in a long-distance relationship reunite with their beaus, their testosterone levels spike.
Although testosterone is generally much lower in women than in men, it’s an essential component of her libido. Suggest she take a trip to reunite with her college friends over the next long weekend, while you go camping with your bros.
Just make sure you plan to get back early enough to have time to—ahem—“reunite.”
WATCH FOR WIDE EYES AND RAISED EYEBROWS
Why It’ll Work: Her facial expressions offer clues to whether or not she’ll be fun in the bedroom.
When researchers at Florida State University watched a woman and a man alone in a room, they found that opening her eyes wide and lifting her eyebrows, along with sidelong glances at the man, were correlated with a high level of sexual openness in a survey.
Surprisingly, while plenty of other flirty behavior might indicate she’s interested, it didn’t correlate with more adventurous sexuality.
That includes the typical hallmarks of touching her hair, touching the man, smiling, laughing, sitting close, and dressing provocatively.
HOLD HER GAZE
Why It’ll Work: Want her to know you’re interested? Simply maintain eye contact.
A study in the journal Psychological Science found that women don’t like it when you come right out and say you’re into them; they prefer guys with a little mystery.
Think of it like the show Lost: She spends more time thinking about you if your feelings are unclear.
But a separate study at Purdue University determined that if you keep glancing off to the side while chatting up a woman, she’ll interpret it as a lack of respect.
The solution: Look her in the eye while she speaks (of course, it helps if you also listen), and when you speak, glance to a spot a little bit behind her head so you seem intrigued but not obsessed.
BROWSE ONLINE PORN TOGETHER
Why It’ll Work: Al Bundy could rely on his curated stack of Playboys forever. Women, on the other hand, get tired of the same erotic scenes.
In a Dutch study of genital arousal, men (not surprisingly) were consistently turned on by watching 18 similar X-rated scenes, while women’s arousal dropped over time. A new or different type of clip, however, usually made her arousal spike again.
Don’t just call her over to watch some new video you found—let her do the surfing to pinpoint exactly what turns her on.
PHONE A FRIEND
Why It’ll Work: Both Seinfeld and When Harry Met Sally declared that men and women can’t have sex and still be friends.
Science disagrees.
In a study at the University of South Alabama, women said the top two reasons they would accept a booty call is if they’re already friends with the guy, and his sole reason for calling is sex—meaning, this isn’t a part of telling your kids how you met their mother.
(Number three on her list: The guy’s physical attractiveness.) Just don’t bring up your past exploits—the main reason women reject a hookup is if they feel a guy is a player.
LEARN TO LOVE LUBE
Why It’ll Work: Only 25 percent of men use lubricant when they have sex, according to a study at Indiana University.
And while we’d all like to think that our foreplay skills are sufficient for lube to be unnecessary, another Hoosier study revealed that two thirds of women say that a little dab of lube makes sex more pleasurable and makes orgasm easier.
Pick up a good quality, water-based lubricant like Astroglide or Swiss Navy.
GET SWEATY
Why It’ll Work: Your sweat glands release a testosterone derivative called androstadienone. When researchers at the University of California, Berkeley had women sniff the chemical, their levels of cortisol, a hormone involved with sexual arousal, increased by 40 percent.
That, in turn, boosted their feelings of sexual arousal increased by a whopping 200 percent.
We’re not saying you should forgo deodorant, but it’s wise to be gentle with the cologne. Then share a fun physical activity you both enjoy, like dancing or going for a long run, and let her get close.
TAKE MORE DATES TO SPORTS BARS
Why It’?ll Work: Ladies love a winner. So much so, in fact, that watching someone you’re rooting for come out ahead can give you both a boost of sexual energy.
The evidence: A study at Villanova University found that the number of porn searches originating in Democratic-leaning states jumped after President Obama’s win in November 2008.
And the same was true in Republican districts in 2004 when George W. Bush was re-elected.
The next election isn’t until November, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get in on the fun. Instead, you can cheer on her college team during March Madness.
LET HER FINISH FIRST
Why It’ll Work: For guys, the goal of sex is generally to have sex—meaning vaginal intercourse—and reach orgasm.
And while women want to have sex too, of course, a British study found that women were more likely to orgasm during foreplay than during intercourse.
Put her over the top with manual stimulation (that is, using your hands and fingers), oral sex, or by using sex toys, and she’ll return the favor on you.
SIGN UP FOR A CO-ED SPORTS LEAGUE
Why It’ll Work: Athletic women tend to be less choosy with a guy’s looks than women with curvier figures, according to a study in Poland.
It comes down to estrogen: Greater amounts of body fat in voluptuous women produces more estrogen, which in turn triggers her maternal instincts.
Those motherly urges tell her to seek out a guy with great genes, and from an evolutionary standpoint, that means symmetrical features and a strong jaw.
Which is to say that if you’re not a ringer for Don Draper, you might have better luck with a slim, sports enthusiast. Sign up for a softball league, ultimate frisbee, or even join a rock climbing gym.
FIND YOUR INNER MONK
Why It’ll Work: One feature women find sexy above all: Stoic calm.
And it will show plainly on your face whether you’re feeling cool like Fonzie or as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
In a study at the Abertay University in Scotland, women gave the highest ratings of attractiveness to photos of men who also had low levels of the stress hormone cortisol in their blood—a sign that they were chilled out.
Work out stress by hitting the weights, taking a quick run, or learning how to meditate.
MEET A WOMAN BY HANGING OUT WITH YOUR FEMALE FRIENDS
Why It’ll Work: When other women appear to like you, it makes you more of a catch. Researchers in Scotland found that women rated pictures of a guy more attractive if he was shown with a woman smiling at him.
Since most women will likely assume that a guy and a girl hanging out together are a couple, head out with a co-ed pack of friends and let the ladies in your group act as wingwomen.
SACRIFICE LIFTING HIGHER WEIGHTS FOR PERFORMING MORE REPS
Why It’ll Work: Women prefer a Spiderman over Thor, at least when it comes to physique.
A study at the University of California, Los Angeles revealed that women prefer to date men with lean, toned muscle over guys who are stacked like champion bodybuilders.
The reason: Women assume those big pecs and traps were earned by spending long hours in the weight room—probably true—and that translates to less time the man will spend with her.
START WITH HER BREASTS
Why It’ll Work: The nipples are wired directly to her clitoris, neurologically speaking. Scientists at Rutgers University (who obviously live very difficult lives) performed brain scans on women who were masturbating.
The scans revealed that nipple play lit up the same region of the brain as when the women stimulated their clitoris. The researchers believe the shared connection may explain why some women can orgasm from nipple stimulation alone.
KEEP PACE IN CONVERSATION
Why It’ll Work: Whether she speaks with a slow Southern drawl or a fast East Coast patter, match the pace and rhythm that a woman uses.
Tha’s because people who talk at the same rate find each other more attractive than if one person speaks more slowly than the other, according to a study at the University of Maryland.
But just because you’re following her conversation speed doesn’t mean you should try to mimic her accent—Hugh Laurie you are not.
LAUGH AT YOURSELF
Why It’ll Work: You might think women like to hear all about your accomplishments and achievements. After all, isn’t that what Facebook was originally for?
But when researchers at the University of New Mexico had women listen to high-achieving men “talk” about themselves (the scripts were actually pulled from stand-up comedy routines), the ones who were the most self-deprecating were rated as sounding twice as attractive as guys who made fun of other people.
Turns out that showing you don’t take yourself too seriously is actually seen as a better sign of intelligence than talking about your graduate degree or how much you make.
DUST OFF YOUR SOCCER CLEATS
Why It’ll Work: Weightlifting, running, swimming, golf: All are great ways to stay in shape, but they won’t impress the opposite sex.
As it turns out, women favor guys who participate in team sports over those men who pursue solo athletic endeavors, according to a study at Laurentian University in Canada.
The researchers believe that playing on a team, whether it’s soccer, softball, or kickball, allows women to see guys assert their social dominance along with demonstrating physical prowess, which are both desirable traits in a mate.
FIND A QUIET, SECLUDED SPOT
Why It’?ll Work: A romp under the open sky is a common fantasy among women—and one that’s easy for you to indulge.
Researchers at Wayne State University had women watch a variety of porn scenes, and revealed that 55 percent of women felt the outdoor scenes were both physically arousing and mentally appealing.
That’s more than the number of ladies who liked watching missionary sex, men performing oral sex on women, bondage scenes, and threesomes.
WATCH HER POSE
Why It’ll Work: Here’s how to find out if a woman you’re chatting up is attracted to you: Without pausing the conversation, alter your body posture—cross your arms, lean forward, or shift your weight to the other foot. Wait a few seconds, then look to see if she matches your pose.
Women show attraction by mirroring your fidgeting and posture changes, according to a Dutch study.
It’s a tendency that’s hardwired into our brain, the researchers say, because we subconsciously want to mimic the people who hold our attention.
WHEN YOU ASK A WOMAN OUT, GENTLY TOUCH HER ARM
Why It’ll Work: Your touch helps form the beginnings of an emotional connection, and the forearms are both particularly sensitive and a socially acceptable body region to make first contact.
In fact, women at a nightclub were 50 percent more willing to accept an invitation from a guy to dance if he touched her arm as he spoke, according to a study at the University of South Brittany in France.
SPEED UP SEX
Why It’ll Work: Women say sex should only last between 7 and 13 minutes, according to a study at Penn State.
Any longer than that, and your partner may feel that her inadequacies are the reason you’re not reaching orgasm.Keep in mind that the clock only starts ticking once you begin vaginal intercourse. Spend some extra creativity on foreplay and kissing to make the full run of the bases more fun.
LET OUT YOUR INNER GEEK
Why It’ll Work: With superheros on the big screen, statisticians running major league teams, and macroeconomics in the news, there’s never been a better time than the present to be a nerd.
As the icing on that Yoda-shaped cake, when psychologists at Elon University had 200 women watch videos of men speaking about various topics, the men who were rated as both the best boyfriend material and a great potential hookup turned out to have the highest IQ scores.
The good news is that women were fairly accurate at guessing which men were the sharpest knives, so you don’t have to memorize pi to the 100th place.
Just don’t play dumb and let your true self shine.
WARM UP TO COLD SHOULDERS
Why It’ll Work: Women with very cold personalities have up to five times as many sexual partners as women with mild personalities, according to a study at Villanova University.
Since standoffish women aren’t as inclined to form a romantic connection, the psychologists say, they have more hookups and fewer long-term relationships.
WEAR A SPLASH OF RED
Why It’ll Work: When psychologists at the University of Rochester asked women to rate pictures of guys wearing different color shirts, the men garbed in crimson always came out on top.
That’s because the color red is subconsciously associated with power and status, researchers say.
Before you toss out your cool-hued wardrobe and dress like Santa, aim instead to subtly accessorize with red utilizing a patterned tie, pocket square, belt, or layered shirts.
And be aware that this is a two-way street: Men also rated ladies in red as more attractive in a separate study.
PRACTICE DOWNWARD DOG TO IMPROVE YOUR SEXUAL ENDURANCE
Why It’ll Work: Guys who suffer from premature ejaculation can find help in yoga.
A study in India (naturally) found that men who spent an hour each day practicing ordinary yoga—not any marathon-sex Tantric techniques you may have heard about—were able to triple the amount of time they lasted in bed.
In fact, the men that tried yoga were more likely to see an improvement in their premature ejaculation than guys who took the PE medication fluoxetine.
Researchers say that the routine of stretching and isometric holds helps improve core strength and pelvic muscle control, which are key in learning to prolong your orgasm.
Want to try but not interested in going to a yoga class? Try this 21-Day Power Yoga Transformation challenge.
GIVE TO CHARITY
Why It’ll Work: You should want to donate your money or your time—or better, both—to non-profit organizations out of a genuine desire to do good.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy other perks of philanthropy.
Researchers at Newcastle University in England found that when women were told that a guy gives to charity, they rated his attractiveness 10 percent higher.
If you don’t already have a favorite cause or organization, browse the extensive list at CharityNavigator.org, which evaluates non-profits based on their financial health, transparency, and accountability.